The notties of 2008

The Worst Films of the Year
Reviews by Nathan Weinbender

Before I announce my picks for the best films of the year, let us reflect on the worst. The following are the ten biggest bombs of 2008, in alphabetical order.

88 Minutes
This may be the worst film Al Pacino has ever made, and, yes, I’ve taken “Cruising” into consideration. “88 Minutes” plays like a bad made-for-cable thriller, and it probably wouldn’t have seen the light of day had he not been attached. It throws so many red herrings at the audience, you’ll end up smelling like a fishmonger.

10,000 B.C.

When I think of prehistoric action pictures, I think of those B-movies from the ‘60s starring Raquel Welch in cheetah-print miniskirts. Those films were just as terrible as “10,000 B.C.,” but they were also entertaining in a campy, embarrassing way. Basically, they knew they were bad. But this movie, directed by Roland Emmerich (“Independence Day”) takes itself so damn seriously and runs on for so damn long that it’s just never any fun.

Death Race

More of an arcade game than a feature film, this remake of the 1975 Roger Corman satire “Death Race 2000” ignores the humorous undertones of the original and adds scene after scene in which souped-up cars a) hit people, b) fly into the air and crash, and c) explode, not necessarily in that order. It’s loud, tedious and boring.

The Happening
Movies like this must be designed specifically for the Razzie Awards. M. Night Shyamalan’s newest is a lock in nearly every category for this year’s Razzies—it boasts wooden performances (especially from the usually radiant Zooey Deschanel), awkward dialogue, lead-footed plotting, confused direction. And its worst offense: It goes absolutely nowhere and says absolutely nothing.

The Hottie and the Nottie

It’s almost too easy to pick on “The Hottie and the Nottie,” a Paris Hilton vehicle that should have gone straight to DVD. It is, though, an offensively stupid, aggressively unfunny comedy, and one of the most pathetic films to receive a wide release in a long while.

The Love Guru

My pick for the very worst film of the year. The previous two films on this list were serious candidates, but neither had the potential of “The Love Guru,” especially considering Mike Myers was at its helm. Rarely have I heard a crowded movie theater as quiet during a comedy—all of its jokes are labored, relying on out-of-vogue pop culture references and childish double entendres. And the plot, involving Myers’ annoying self-help guru saving a hockey star’s marriage, is seriously stupid.

Rambo

I expected Sylvester Stallone’s return to his “Rambo” series to be a lot of things, but I certainly didn’t expect it to be as depressing, unpleasant and repetitive as it is. It’s offensive that real sociopolitical issues (in this case, mass genocide in Southeast Asia) are here being exploited as plot points in a brain-dead action blockbuster.

Righteous Kill

Al Pacino may have starred in two dreadful action pictures this year, but his career will no doubt recover. After the one-two punch of “88 Minutes” and “Righteous Kill,” I certainly won’t. Robert De Niro has also been wrangled into this mess, which is a low-rent, lame-brained cop thriller with a final twist that you can telegraph from the get-go. Hoo-hah, indeed.

Speed Racer

I appreciate that the Wachowski brothers are trying to do something different. And I admire their attempts to elevate a low-budget Japanese cartoon into candy-colored, high-fructose pop art. But “Speed Racer” is a self-indulgent, overlong eyesore, with a plot that’s as uninteresting as its color palette is garish. Let’s just call it the “Tron” of this generation.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Had this movie been trimmed by a good half hour, it may have just missed the cut for this list. But Adam Sandler’s latest picture drones on and on without ever finding a purpose or hitting its comedic stride. The script is credited to three writers—Sandler, Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow—all of whom are smarter and funnier than this film would lead you to believe.

Dishonorable Mention: “Bangkok Dangerous,” starring Nic Cage as an assassin who just wants to be loved; the overwrought video game adaptation “Max Payne;” Wong Kar Wai’s arthouse snoozer “My Blueberry Nights;” “The Ruins,” a nasty, cliché-ridden shocker about killer plants; “Soul Men,” which put the talents of Samuel L. Jackson and the late Bernie Mac to waste; Will Ferrell in “Step Brothers” and “Semi-Pro;” and “Fool’s Gold,” which featured Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson as spray-tanned airheads who stumble upon treasure and was the only film of 2008 that I walked out of halfway through.